The fear.
09 February 2009 @ 23:03 ; 0 CommentsI don't know what's right and what's real anymore.
Dear blog,
Yesterday night, a peculiar force compelled me to dig out my old diaries and peruse through them. To sum it up, I was aghast and yet, at the same time, I still went through each and every entry, reveling in those days when I confided every single feeling, every single detail of my mundane adolescence.
The greatest impact that hit me was the amount of stories I had concerning the circle of friends that I kept at that point. Oh, the drama! He gossiped about me behind my back, they were making fun of me at point blank, I was being made use of by practically everyone... it was such a big deal at that point of time, but reading about them now, it's all so immature and infantile, to say the least.
I thought that I was different from other guys. I thought that I was at least someone who was above it all, who was far more mature than I believe I should be given credit for. But, as I look back through the pages of my diaries, I'm just a part of the drama as was everyone else.
Was adolescence about trying to fit in? To amass a large amount of followers who like you because of your status, rather than your intellect or your company? Did every single thing have to revolve around gossip and backstabbing and not acting your age, even though you're already in your teens? Was it safe to say that we can blame puberty and hormonal changes about what we experienced back then?
Of course, in the midst of it all there were a few gems that I did not really treasure as well as I should back then. Was I truly blinded? Has it been too late to wish that you could be able to turn back time and undo what you wish you had, or hadn't done, previously? I daresay that I am one who hardly regrets for the things he had done, but then again, mistakes made back then, I hope I had not made them in the first place. Is it a case of declaring them too little, too late?
Whatever that I went through during my secondary school years, looking back, I guess you could say that whatever happened, it happened for a reason. Mistakes that I can learn from and not commit them in the future. I may not have that many friends now, we may all not keep in contact, but the lucky few that I still do, I still count as friends that I'm glad I still have.
